fuck your therapy; provide me a non-toxic environment instead.

therapy, much like mindfulness, mentorship, medication, and probably a slew of other things that don’t start with ‘m’, is not a fucking cure-all. also, it is not appropriate for ALL people. in can, in fact…make some people even sicker than when they started.

i know, i know — but if it helped you, it must surely help everyone else who isn’t the centre of the universe, right? and, and if someone doesn’t find themselves helped by something you personally found helpful…why, that’s besmirching your character, isn’t it?! obviously this person is just Not Trying Hard Enough, or some other flavour of Just Not Doing It Right. some people just don’t want to be mentally healthy. they want to be sad and ill. it’s so very disheartening, but you can sit here and feel superior to them, so it’s not all bad.

I don’t need to talk about how fucked up my life is; I need the finances to be able to change it. if you can’t provide the latter, the former ain’t gonna do shit. help me remove the poison from my life entirely or fuck off; I am tired of wasting time and energy on preventatives when I know what the cure is. deal with it.

some days I just fucking hate everything.

ashamed

I hate doing this, but I don’t have any other option…again. I’m lacking rent, I’m disabled, sick, depressed, and I need help. Only if you can afford it, PLEASE do not donate if you can’t.

I love you, and thank you, and I’m sorry.

I’m just…so incredibly sick of this, and I can’t get out of this goddamn pit.

rise, rise, rise.

Hidden failures, no one to save us
(Fractured moments — the gaps are growing)
The dying decades; the first refusal–

Total withdrawal, silence for all
(The last generation by polarisation)
Solitary youth, this laziness finds its truth:

I will be your weakness, I will help you make sense
I will be your battle ground; can I tie your blindfold?

Survive while you hold my fingers tight — sing a soundtrack to withdrawal tonight

the pride of Brisbane town

I know, I know, football.  We do not speak about football else we are a bogan, but humour me for now.

It’s been twenty-one incredibly long fucking years since I’ve felt this, and as I’m always saying — I’m Fitzroy by blood. Jack Murphy was a ‘Roy boy, and his granddaughter is, was, and always will be a Lion. The joke in our family is that the Fitzroy Lions moved to Brisbane the same year we did, so it was practically a done deal that I’d barrack for the Lions, even if Dad’s first two kids were Magpies.

This is such a stupid thing to get emotional about, but it feels fantastic. And damn me if AFL isn’t just a fun game to watch (it’s been described as a cross between Gaelic football and a pub brawl — how could you not be entertained by that!), even if your team isn’t playing. I take my happinesses where I find ’em, as they are.

one of these things is not the other

TIL that there are people who don’t know the difference between ‘mandatory’ and ‘medically mandated’, and I’m not sure if I want to end game in Minecraft or just wait around until infection or the like takes those dumbasses out.

I also learned that any username that mentions dreaming awake immediately makes me think “ugh, it’s fucking Kurt Draven”.

store-bought photocopied tragedy

That feeling when the most vile realisation hits you like a Mack truck, and there is literally, honestly, not a word you know in the English language nor any other than can communicate just how vile it is.

hey look a survey wow

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
I don’t use iTunes, so I’ll just give you the last six songs I played.

  1. “Decline & Fall”, Manic Street Preachers
  2. “Golden Leaves”, Bear McCreary feat. Benjamin Walker
  3. “Primitive Painters”, Manic Street Preachers
  4. “Good”, Allie X
  5. “Spectators of Suicide (Welsh version)”, Manic Street Preachers & Gwenno
  6. “Niënna”, Oonagh

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
That I haven’t already met in the flesh? All my oldest friends…

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
“next new moon, this is a retrospective period that challenges you to look”

4) What do you think about most?
Hm. Either music, writing, or my best friend.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Unfortunately, yes. I hope the writer ends up feeling exactly as he made me feel, if not worse.

6) Do you have any strange phobias?
…do grey aliens even count? ^^; It’s strange because I’m not sure they exist. It would be more sensible if I hard-core, 100% believed they were real, right? (Any grey aliens reading this now, please do not prove your reality to me. Please. I’ll stay on my planet and you can stay on yours. ♥)

7) What’s your religion?
Pagan, with heavy Taoist leanings.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Lately, picking mulberries!

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
Manic Street Preachers.

10) What was the last lie you told?
“No, no, it’s fine!”

11) Do you believe in karma?
No.

12) What does your URL mean?
Undómiel is an elven name meaning “daughter of evening”, or “star of evening”. Depends.

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
Weakness – I’m too shy, strength – extremely determined once I make my mind up.

14) Who is your celebrity crush?
I don’t really have one. Not a crush, as such.

15) How do you vent your anger?
“Conceal it; don’t feel it. Don’t let it show.”

16) Do you have a collection of anything?
Nothing terribly serious, because collecting things requires having a steady and decent enough income, and I certainly don’t.

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?
No. So I’m changing it.

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
Any and all mouth sounds (how is that shit ASMR?!), and bat squeaks, respectively.

19) What’s your biggest “what if”?
Either “what if I’d just kissed them” or “what if I burn the damn caravan down?”

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Ghosts, yes, aliens, perhaps?

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
Right, a perfume bottle; left, my sewing machine.

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?
Just cool night air, nothing in particular.

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
Somewhere in Indooroopilly.

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?
What’s my gender again? Oh, right, autistic purple. Well, I don’t know any allistic yellows who sing…

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?
I don’t know. To find happiness? To leave the world better than you found it? Both? 42, more than likely.

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
I do not drive.

27) What was the last movie you saw?
…I think it might have been “Forgotten Silver“?

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
Probably my broken tailbone edges it in there, because the complications due to it are ongoing and likely permanent.

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Tolkien! But that’s not unusual 😛 Oh, and dragons, and kind of my religion?

30) Ever had a rumour spread about you?
Unfortunately. I hope those who spread them feel exactly as I felt. Zozie my ass.

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
…Zozie my ass…

32) What is your astrological sign?
Pisces, oh, and just how!

33) What’s the last thing you purchased?
I think it was a doll I intend to customise?

34) Love or lust?
Love, I’m so bored with lust.

35) In a relationship?
No.

36) How many relationships have you had?
Enough to know better.

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
I wish I had one.

38) Where is your best friend?
Honestly? I have no idea.

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
I’m pretty sure I went to sleep reasonably early…

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
Probably not. I’m too complicated and airheaded and I end up hurting people, even if I never mean to. Intent doesn’t matter in that case. I hate it.

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
I’m getting fired, baby! I’m also probably adopting a doggo…then winning a lawsuit. All I’m sayin’. 0:)

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
a) Nobody.
b) Fix all my mistakes to the best of my abilities.
c) Terrified.

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
The Manics’ cover of Rihanna’s “Umbrella”!

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
Being best friends with that person.

45) How can I win your heart?
It’s broken; you should probably go find one that isn’t.

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
In a manner of speaking.

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
It’s all looking a little bleak at the moment.

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
“She really tried.”

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”
Soul.

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite colour/colours?
Purples, blues, teals. I’m oddly fond of yellow, too.

51) What is your current desktop picture?
It’s a sort of background-blend thing I made to put on one of my LotR blogs — Elrond’s, I think. I never ended up using it, or I used it only very briefly, but it makes an adequate desktop.

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
I’ll let the guilty remain jumpy. >:)

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
“Who do you truly love?”

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
The ability to learn and be fluent in multiple languages!

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
…depends. If I can change events…that’s a secret. If I just get to experience it again, let’s say about 9:15pm, July 5, 2013? 😀

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
The Pink Bitch.

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
No one. I’m just kind of sex-bored at the moment. Can I cuddle and hold hands and talk about music and have them braid my hair instead? Because in that case, RM.

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Nowhere unless I get accommodation with that ticket; do you think I’m mad? (I mean, I am. But not THAT mad.)

59) Ever been on a plane?
Quite a few times.

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.
Go peep the whole cast of The Rings of Power. So that’s more than five, sue me.

just explain WHY.

Physiology: “Hey.”
Yrs Truly: “Mm.”
Physiology: “HEY.”
Yrs: “Jesus, what? I’m reading!”
Physiology: “Anxiety attack!”
Yrs: “Wait, no–”
Physiology: “ANXIETY ATTACK!”
Yrs: “I just…but…what…why?”
Physiology: “ANXIETY! ATTACK! :D”
Yrs: “WE WERE DOING LITERALLY NOTHING. WE WERE THINKING ABOUT DRAGONS WHILE SITTING DEAD STILL.”
Physiology: “Anxiety! 😀 Attack! 😀 😀 Cha-cha-cha! 😀 Woohoo!”

I quit. Being a physical being is a load of malarkey.