names & changes

I have changed my online alias. Not without reason.

Sometimes, you have to walk away from who you used to be. I have to. And using a different online name is a start. There will be further changes in many, many ways in the coming weeks and months.

Admittedly, I’m not doing this because I want to, and certainly not willingly. I miss who I used to be before ‘all this’ happened more than I’ve missed anyone else in my life, which perhaps comes off as starkly selfish, but it’s true. And further truth is that I can’t go back to being that person ever again; it’s literally become impossible. So if I have to change, then at least let me tolerate whoever I’ll become. For me, that begins with a name.

(Not one that’s new, really, if you’ve known me long enough — one reclaimed from the past. But one I love, all the same. It fits, for now.)

Besides, names are like clothes, I think. You can have different ones for different situations. Some jackets get worn to the theatre, some hoodies never see the outside of your bedroom. And some friends may prefer you in jeans and a t-shirt, while others love your look in a summer dress. Those who are closest to me usually have nicknames for me, which I kind of adore — growing up without any nicknames whatsoever is very alienating to an already alienated child, trust me.

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