how much

dad’s in the hospital with a TIA and blocked right artery.

i don’t know what else to say that i haven’t said already, and i’ve lulled myself into a kind of semi-dissociative feel-nothing state, which possibly isn’t healthy, but feels less like the whole world is caving in on me, so i’m not going to force myself out of it by elaborating any further on a blog that nobody reads.

i just. i want to disappear. i want to turn into a star. i want to shine light and beauty onto everyone and everything but not have to interact with anyone to do it. i’m tired of the pain. the pain never stops. every moment is pain. and just when you think it’s let up, something else happens.

i can’t take it anymore. i am not large or strong enough to hold all this.