I don’t know what my body is doing in regards to nerves right now, but it feels eerily like someone shoved me through a meat grinder with the intent to make burger patties, changed their mind at the last minute, and then sheepishly attempted to mulch me back into a semi-human shape.

In another life, I was probably a bestselling bizarro splatterpunk writer.

I’ve been sleeping all day and I feel like I’m going to pass out again. Life is fantastic and sparkly.

PS: I think I rock red eyeshadow.

Me: Spends an hour+ on a semi-Heian-esque modern makeup look. (I’m not doing the thumbprint eyebrows, sorrow — I went with a geiko-esque gradient instead.)
Someone: “I don’t like red eyeshadow!”
Me: “…well, that’s great, these are my eyes, not your eyes.”
Someone: “Yeah, I know, but–”

Here is where I wish I was the reincarnation of Shounagon-oneesama, not Murasaki Shikibu. She would’ve had something witty, cutting, and above all very charming to say. Murasaki would just internalise it stiffly and silently and then write about it in her diary later.

…as you’d have it.


I have many things I would like to say but always think the better of it, because there would be no point in explaining to people who would never understand. I cannot be bothered to discuss matters in front of those women who continually carp and are so full of themselves: it would only cause trouble. It is so rare to find someone of true understanding; for the most part they judge purely by their own standards and ignore everyone else.
So all they see of me is a façade. There are times when I am forced to sit with them and on such occasions I simply ignore their petty criticisms, not because I am particularly shy but because I consider it pointless. As a result, they now look upon me as a dullard.
‘Well, we never expected this!’ they all say. ‘No one liked her. They all said she was pretentious, awkward, difficult to approach, prickly, too fond of her tales, haughty, prone to versifying, disdainful, cantankerous and scornful; but when you meet her, she is strangely meek, a completely different person altogether!’
How embarrassing! Do they really look upon me as such a dull thing, I wonder? But I am what I am. Her Majesty has also remarked more than once that she had thought I was not the kind of person with whom she could ever relax, but that I have now become closer to her than any of the others. I am so perverse and standoffish. If only I can avoid putting off those for whom I have a genuine regard.

— かおりこお姉さま

keeping back the flood

There are so many worlds and so many words inside me, but getting them out is like trying to get water from the moon. I want to keep writing CRESCENDO and the opening scene of FALLOUT 8 is running through my mind as clear as a movie, not to mention AKAYOROSHI’s various pieces (and history pieces)…but the words won’t come. The brain won’t concentrate. It won’t even do me the service of hyperfocusing. It just doesn’t want to do anything.

Or it wants to do everything, all the time, all at once. Which is impossible.

…I need to visit Evergreen Taoist Temple.  I remember how peaceful I felt on that school excursion. And I need, I miss, I need my city. My Brisvegas. My September city. You carved yourself into my heart, I can’t leave you — your absence sits on my soul like a suppurating ulcer.

In other news, I just accidentally stabbed myself in the thigh with a sashiko needle I dropped. Go me. 😀

healthlog: bloody migraine. literally.

So, last night I decided to have a migraine! (And by “decided to have’, I mean “it happened to me and I had no choice in the matter”.)

(Non-detailed discussion of emesis and blood beneath the jump.) (more…)

canon? in what universe?

Dear anyone: no, Peter Jackson’s adaptions of LotR were not good movies because he “stuck to the canon”, because no he did fucking not sunshine, they were good movies because they were made with love and care and dedication by people who loved their jobs. Canon was not held as highly as y’all thought, and I say that as someone who adores those movies, and believes that media in general would be so much poorer without them.

But canon was handwaved whenever it got in the way, negl. There is a reason Christopher Tolkien loathed the movies. Don’t bullshit me. I read these books every time I get depressed, I know them like the back of my hand. The movies were astonishingly brilliant, but they sure as fuck were not canon.


🌟 Length Score: 100%
💫 Rare long word found!
🚀 Letter Score: 66
🔗 Play Wordiply: https://www.wordiply.com
🎬 Today’s starter: 🄱🄸🅃

🌟 Length Score: 100%
💫 Rare long word found!
🚀 Letter Score: 65
🔗 Play Wordiply: https://www.wordiply.com
🎬 Today’s starter: 🅂🄾🄼🄰

If I can’t do anything else anymore, at least I still have a decent enough vocabulary! Ha ha…

well…I’m back.

I guess it would probably be better to keep writing, because…because? Proof of…something? So I don’t forget anything vital? I’m not sure.

[private] hell.

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