I’m not going to survive this.
trauma-tasing.
I am so, so tired of discussing past traumas. I get that I kind of have to, to get certain things working and certain services, but it’s just…so exhausting. I don’t want to think about them out of the blue anymore. It’s the emotional equivalent of being hit by a taser while getting your licence to operate one, you know? You know it’s coming, but you can’t really prepare for it despite that. And it’s really, really frickin’ painful in the moment, and so tiring afterwards.
make it hit different.
[private] for whenever I start to miss her:
please enter undomiel’s passcode to read this private message:
[private] it hurts to exist.
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[private] I see seven towers, I only see one way out
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send me 100 bitcoin
I’m
only
happy
when
I’m
high
[private] can’t sleep, or people die
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perspective
“She’s found a family that understands her at a time of experiencing a relentless depression and loneliness, and that, like any illness, could very well have meant the end of [her], had she not found a tribe willing to take her in. Would she even really survive, returning to modern civilisation? Her fate very well may have ended the same as her sister, in that case, taking her own life as a result of this depression. At least with the Hårga, Dani experiences some actual happiness. Even if she’s chosen at random to be sacrificed for some stupid ritual only a week after the movie ends, we could still argue that even the briefest experience of pure happiness is a better fate than returning to where you don’t belong, to further deteriorate in isolation. She may have withered away and died in darkness, without ever having known the light of life.”
— “Why The Midsommar Discourse Misses the Point”, Terror Formed
oh yeah, happy valentine’s and that.
it’s been a really rough few days, and frankly i’m surprised i’m not in hospital, but probably grateful as well. my living situation is still completely intolerable and i’m still lost in little dreams of winning even just a couple of grand — enough for a bond — and getting the hell out of here before i end game forever. it’s not a matter of if, anymore, it’s only a matter of when.
when will i live in an actual house. when will i die. which will come first. who knows. i don’t.
as i said before, i’m tired and i’m sad. i’m also bored, stir-crazy, full of hate, this close to screaming, and wishing i could be put into a voluntary medical coma until things get better. i’m fwcking tired of the pain. it’s not even producing any good words.
ganked someone’s DSi from mum (who wasn’t using it; i’m a bitch but i’m not THAT much of a bitch) and am now playing final fantasy 4. we’ve just gotten the sand pearl thingy from the antlion. i kind of love cecil, rydia is amazing, tellah’s hilarious (and also currently gone mad with grief and not with us), and edward is a wet hen on top of being a spoony bard. oh well, we can’t all be the figaro twins, i guess.