I don’t know what my body is doing in regards to nerves right now, but it feels eerily like someone shoved me through a meat grinder with the intent to make burger patties, changed their mind at the last minute, and then sheepishly attempted to mulch me back into a semi-human shape.

In another life, I was probably a bestselling bizarro splatterpunk writer.

I’ve been sleeping all day and I feel like I’m going to pass out again. Life is fantastic and sparkly.

I never tried to reach

I sent a letter to my ex, apologising.

(Not the rapist, and definitely not the Pink Bitch. Not ever. I’m a pushover, but never that much of one. I’m more likely to join the Family First Party than I am to ever contact either of those two nuclear waste pits.)

I don’t know if they’ll get it, because I don’t think they check the address I sent it to anymore — and I don’t know what their current one could possibly be. I don’t know where they are, or what they’re doing, or anything. But I couldn’t just…not. I had to at least spit the words out into the Wired somewhere.

I don’t still have feelings for them, I don’t want to be with them, I wouldn’t say no to talking to them once again if they wanted, but if they didn’t, my world wouldn’t fall apart, and I would understand wholly. I just wanted to let them know that I feel bad about…well, as Phildel puts it, for the times I behaved like a switchblade / for the blame when I should have just forgave.

There is someone else I love. It’s not about chasing them. It’s about making amends, even weakly or uselessly. With my health being what it is, I just want something to be…right. Or as right as possible.

I don’t know. My head’s full of cotton wool at the moment, and I can’t think straight, but.

Everything is, everything was, everything is all, everything will be.

fumbling towards passing out

unintentional all-nighters are the actual worst all-nighters.

orrrrr maybe nerve pain has just made me…neurotic, bwahah. (that’s both a pun and not remotely a pun at the same time. I win the whole world.)

how to break a curse 101

Not around much due to health problems, unsurprisingly.

(Add., the next day, noting the date: not a joke. Also, ugh, lost my layout. What a nitwit.)

“…take my hand, we’ll be able to fly…”

Pain is a bitch. Pain makes you hate everyone and everything, and I hate that, too. Full circle. Fuck pain, especially neuro-pain. Real entry about nothing at all when I don’t feel like crying. Woke up with this flawless piece in my head, so that’s Song of the Day, just in case I don’t write any further today.

The only thing that I don’t hate is music. And friends. Yup.

we set the stars to dancing in the night sky

I’m going to post this entry and then I’m not going to look at a single other line of code until at least 11am tomorrow morning — I’ve been HTMLing away all day! 😀 I’ve been working on my Secret Santa’s gift, and on these two! I’m especially happy about those two, because I adopted them from someone I was sure didn’t like me (or found me petty at the very least), and I was sure they’d tell me what I could do with myself. But I was worried about nothing! There’s no bad blood between us, they’re a lovely person from what I’ve seen, and I’m actually kind of embarrassed as how anxious I was sending off the initial emails, now ^^;; Haha, paranoid Rin is eternally paranoid, but all’s well that end’s well! I’ll take very good care of the listings for as long as I have them ♥

A load of witchy goodness, mostly journal-related, came in the mail today~ Including candles! Gasp. There’s a first for me. I’ve never been much into candle magick (despite being a witch since I was 17…), maybe a stray spell here or there, but the candle has never been one of my preferred magickal tools. I have forty coloured candles in my goodies chest, now, mostly for Colourwork reasons (I’ll elaborate more on that either later, or on a purposefully witchy blog I’ll set up at some point). We’ll see how it all goes, but I’m hopeful it’ll be fulfilling.

It’s been a difficult day painwise (physio visit was NOT an immediate help with that, let me tell you, but I suppose stuff has to get more painful before it can get better), and it was disgustingly hot without warning (thanks for nothing, BOM!), but I’m happy all the same. It’s been a productive day and I hope the rest of the evening will be relaxing. Back to it after eleven tomorrow, like I said! But until then, I think I’ll just laze about in front of the telly and crochet. ♥

I’ll be your zodiac on a different star track

Three people I love have birthdays on this particular day…so many awesome people I know are Sagittarians ♥ Twinfish aren’t supposed to be compatible with the Archers, but they seem to do well with me. Them, and Geminis, for some reason. The relationships are usually intense, and by no means conflict-free, but they’re the most rewarding and impactful ones in my life. Quite odd! (Also, weirdly, almost every Aquarius I’ve ever known has been cruel, selfish, and duplicitous. I’m sure that’s just unhappy coincidence, though.)

My back is killing me. I am far too young for this nonsense, honestly. External obliques, what nonsense. I’ll book myself in to have the things removed posthaste, methinks.

blah blah blah, also words.

Yep, it was a cyst. What fun! (Fibs and lies.) But I’m alive, so all good at the end of the day, supposedly.

It’s NaNoWriMo time, and once more I’m not sure I’m going to do it, for neuro-health reasons. There are a few projects I could work on, but it’s hard to stay motivated when it feels like someone is pulling out each of your nerves one by one and putting them through a meat grinder. I know, shocking. I’ve also got a tonne of web projects in the works, some with deadlines, that kinda might take precedence over a month-long novel written “because can”, you know? But who knows, really. It’s early days so catch-up will be a cinch if I do decide to do it. All good, all good.

いつか素直を見せるかもしれない…でも今日は無理や。 そして、ここでは無理や。しゃーない〜