wish my life was more interesting, but oh well

stable-esque day, then my cat decided to misbehave and…camel’s back, sticks, etc, you know. or maybe the day wasn’t that stable…i mean, we had a big-dog-found-a-snake scare (snake either went to ground or got away — and we’re not sure what type it is/was — i was the only one who got a good look at it: about a foot and a half long, pale brown. it could be a Tree Snake, or it could be an Eastern Brown; can’t tell without seeing the shape of the head), then big-dog-hassled-the-mama-possum-and-her-twins scare. i’m very fond of ‘my’ ringtails, especially the patient and caring mama. i will do a lot, a lot, to keep them safe — including taking the dog for a walk while my left knee was giving way, just so mama possum could pick up the kidlets (she like…tucked them into a palm frond to protect them, and they just like, curled up together and were small and quiet and, and, and??? MY HEART–) and hightail it outta there without the dog being a twerp.

or ringtail it out of there, heheh.

what the cat’s problem was, i dunno. it was basically just “weh weh weh i want to be outside i’ll scratch up the screen door until you let me out weh weh weh”. like. no, cat. firstly, you are not touching my possums. secondly, it’s literally against the law for housecats to be outside after dark in brisvegas. thirdly, you little bastard, it’s dangerous for you, too! there are powerful owls about, and they don’t mind the odd bit of cat!

but no, i’m evil for keeping her and the environment safe. 😛

also, australia post didn’t deliver today, because they’re useless bastards. yeah, that’s the reason.

sigh

To whoever’s asking the shit-stirring questions on Retrospring: you’re like, three months too late to get a decent reaction out of me. Three months ago I might have gotten mad, but depression really puts a dampener on that one. Sorry, quick and the dead, etc.

Wish I had something else interesting to say, but, y’know. World ended and all.

しゃあないやろ

weird kinda day. had to head off the doctors’ to get some ‘script repeats, and none of them bulk bill anymore, which is…$70 for repeats? um. no. i’ll either find a dr who bulk bills in another surgery, or i’ll…just not have meds, i guess, and then they can deal with me at the local hospital’s empdep. this system is absolutely and completely fucked up beyond belief.

it was almost a “girls’ day out”, just me and my mother, like we used to do back before the world ended and my brother became her favourite child. idek. i can’t help but be incredibly bitter about that. we got the car washed, got maccas…nothing burgers (literally, they gave me spicy nuggies [which aren’t that spicy if i can eat them…did make my mouth/tongue swell, though] instead of my ordered burger XD), but things that were like…normal as hell two years ago. now, it’s just…what it is now.

everything’s wrong.

even talking about the DV sitch and my ongoing trauma-based reactions to the perp (still can’t look them in the face without dissociating) somehow turned into oh boohoo poor Saint My Brother and his PTSD.

just…what? i’d be pissed off but it requires more energy than i have at the moment. at the moment i’m just sad. at least that’s easy.

arrivals: my stevie nicks sticker (now on my phone!), sailor moon supers colouring book (you bet i’m gonna scan it in) and my three pride flags (rainbow/bi/trans). which are currently hung up outside in an attempt to straighten them out, as you’d have it. only in pride month, baby. XD

in other news…stardew valley keeps stuttering. fuck. i’m not the only person it does this to, but none of the prescribed solutions to it seem to help at all. oh well. can’t be helped, i guess.

beginnings

Kind of forcing myself to journal. Kind of. A nice, stable HTML attempt this time around, because my goddess you have no Earthly idea how DONE I am with bloody WordPress. ClassicPress is far more tolerable, but…ugh. Can’t someone just make a nice, simple, flat-file script made specifically for blogging, not content management? Blogger ruled all back in Web 1.0’s death throes. We need a clone of that, in script form.

I’ve made a huge shift to one of my web projects, and I need to work more on it, so of course I’m in an ornery, cranky, I-only-wanna-make-pixels-and-play-BSSMAS mood. Why? …I was going to say “who knows”, but I think it’s because my physical health has taken another dive, which is unfortunate, but not wholly unexpected. I just wish I was one of those people with a kilometre-high pain threshold who can power through anything, but I’m not, so I crumble and sleep a whole lot. You can’t concentrate on making things look cute if it feels like someone is trying to drive one of those Japanese knives you pay megabucks for through your frontal lobe. Or your pelvis. You simply can’t.

…it’s 19°C and cloudy. Winter really is coming, finally. 😀 Thank goodness. My hatred of summer has worsened a thousand times since the World Fell Down; I’m actually thinking of writing a generic silly just-for-fun fantasy piece where summer is the season that’s feared above all else, not winter. I’m sick of reading about dread winters (why is there always a dread winter?)…especially when I’m reading about it while sitting beneath a screaming aircon and it’s literally 35 in the shade outside. It ruffles one slightly, shall we say.

Go away, hell season. Go far away and never come back. I want to wear comfortable clothes I can hide in, and go walking in the early mornings without getting literal heat stroke, and I want to eat yummy strawberries. (Yes, they’re a winter fruit here.) Maybe I’ll even get better. Maybe everything will get better. Just hurry, winter, hurry…

(One day I’ll see real snow. I’m sure. One day…)

je me souviens enfin

seeing flowers bloom from the corners of my eyes
the body a prison and the mind a riot
dreaming of winters and long sleeves and hot coffee at midnight

something’s coming, but I can’t see…but I can’t see…
drifting through sun-streaked days and wispy nights of afterthoughts…and fireflies

will I ever be beautiful again? will I ever feel love again?
will I ever be able to tear away this shroud? it stinks of regret…

careful now…there’s no one around.

it feels like something’s…beneath.  I can only hear muffled sounds
I don’t know if I should be afraid of them

“don’t worry about any of it,” a kindhearted person told me, “not just yet. save it for later.”
but I can’t…I am not built to forget
…especially when it’s always 2cms away from my face

shifty-eyed and sifting through the rubble
who would think a mind could be so muddled?
terrified as terror does; it finds me…it finds me…

I want it all back.

all these little earthquakes

at a low, low ebb, and not sure what i want to do with this blog, ultimately…or even if it’s in its right form. i think it’s in the right place, but it’s not very…typical-blog-esque. not very daily. not that i’m disparaging daily blogging/journalling at all (i in fact found it very helpful, when i was in the swing of it), but this isn’t it, it’s…thoughts. swirls. half-formed little curls of rose incense smoke twisting beneath raspberrypeach sherbet sunsets.

i bit off far more than i could chew in december/january, and now i’m exhausted.

i realised that i can’t remember the last time i had a truly, honestly happy day while here…because i haven’t. my last truly happy day was my birthday in ’21, before here. here is just…hate, hate, hate, hate. i hate all of it. i hate my body and i hate the situation online and i hate that i’m tired all the time and i hate summer and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate.

five attempts, countless dangerous situations walked into without caring. scar tissue. hate that, too.

i’m so tired of crying.

i miss the snow boy. so much. i don’t know why.
he’d vomit in his mouth if he saw me now.
…most everyone who used to know me would, i think.

non sum qualis eram.
(it breaks my heart.)

eat, sleep, and eat…many souls

…apparently it’s perfectly normal in addiction recovery to face, like…literally mind-numbing boredom. that’s…I mean, great to know and all, but ugh, really? when all my creative stuff is still in three million boxes and I’m in frequent pain to boot? it’s also really, really annoying to know that my addiction recovery from xanax is like…a forever thing. I’m always going to be in recovery, never recovered.

so! my extra moneys arrived today, and i got my paws on that Ken+Youji cel w/ background and a wonderfully kept copy of the WK tarot. worth every penny, and the fact that I’m buying it off ‘Yueki’ of Kuro Koneko, a site I spent literal hours on back in the day, will never not amuse me. this is on top of the ceramic container, metal bookmarks, and cute sticky note set that I bought on tuesday. I hope they get here soon, but lately, AusPost + USPS is like…a recipe in why even bother. soooo tempted to put my remain dosh towards the Youji and Omi+Youji cel I’ve been eyeing, but I might leave that ’til next payday, just in case.

oh yes, the wigs for my new customs arrived, and…they didn’t fit too well. smallish 1/3rds, I suppose. it was just a matter of unpicking the elastic around the back of the wig cap, but they’re still a little precariously placed on Pullip heads. suppose I’d better make one of those velcro wig-snap things…whenever my sewing box gets opened properly.

I need my goddamn studio back already. I’m actually going crazy. crazier. I’m literally so bored I think I’m going to bed. you can’t be asleep and bored!

…god knows my brain would give it a go, though. -_-;