everyday – Page 3 – Bittersweet Hereafter

しゃあないやろ

K | Thursday, 8th June 2023

weird kinda day. had to head off the doctors’ to get some ‘script repeats, and none of them bulk bill anymore, which is…$70 for repeats? um. no. i’ll either find a dr who bulk bills in another surgery, or i’ll…just not have meds, i guess, and then they can deal with me at the local hospital’s empdep. this system is absolutely and completely fucked up beyond belief.

it was almost a “girls’ day out”, just me and my mother, like we used to do back before the world ended and my brother became her favourite child. idek. i can’t help but be incredibly bitter about that. we got the car washed, got maccas…nothing burgers (literally, they gave me spicy nuggies [which aren’t that spicy if i can eat them…did make my mouth/tongue swell, though] instead of my ordered burger XD), but things that were like…normal as hell two years ago. now, it’s just…what it is now.

everything’s wrong.

even talking about the DV sitch and my ongoing trauma-based reactions to the perp (still can’t look them in the face without dissociating) somehow turned into oh boohoo poor Saint My Brother and his PTSD.

just…what? i’d be pissed off but it requires more energy than i have at the moment. at the moment i’m just sad. at least that’s easy.

arrivals: my stevie nicks sticker (now on my phone!), sailor moon supers colouring book (you bet i’m gonna scan it in) and my three pride flags (rainbow/bi/trans). which are currently hung up outside in an attempt to straighten them out, as you’d have it. only in pride month, baby. XD

in other news…stardew valley keeps stuttering. fuck. i’m not the only person it does this to, but none of the prescribed solutions to it seem to help at all. oh well. can’t be helped, i guess.

beginnings

K | Thursday, 6th April 2023

Kind of forcing myself to journal. Kind of. A nice, stable HTML attempt this time around, because my goddess you have no Earthly idea how DONE I am with bloody WordPress. ClassicPress is far more tolerable, but…ugh. Can’t someone just make a nice, simple, flat-file script made specifically for blogging, not content management? Blogger ruled all back in Web 1.0’s death throes. We need a clone of that, in script form.

I’ve made a huge shift to one of my web projects, and I need to work more on it, so of course I’m in an ornery, cranky, I-only-wanna-make-pixels-and-play-BSSMAS mood. Why? …I was going to say “who knows”, but I think it’s because my physical health has taken another dive, which is unfortunate, but not wholly unexpected. I just wish I was one of those people with a kilometre-high pain threshold who can power through anything, but I’m not, so I crumble and sleep a whole lot. You can’t concentrate on making things look cute if it feels like someone is trying to drive one of those Japanese knives you pay megabucks for through your frontal lobe. Or your pelvis. You simply can’t.

…it’s 19°C and cloudy. Winter really is coming, finally. 😀 Thank goodness. My hatred of summer has worsened a thousand times since the World Fell Down; I’m actually thinking of writing a generic silly just-for-fun fantasy piece where summer is the season that’s feared above all else, not winter. I’m sick of reading about dread winters (why is there always a dread winter?)…especially when I’m reading about it while sitting beneath a screaming aircon and it’s literally 35 in the shade outside. It ruffles one slightly, shall we say.

Go away, hell season. Go far away ~~and never come back~~. I want to wear comfortable clothes I can hide in, and go walking in the early mornings without getting literal heat stroke, and I want to eat yummy strawberries. (Yes, they’re a winter fruit here.) Maybe I’ll even get better. Maybe everything will get better. Just hurry, winter, hurry…

(One day I’ll see real snow. I’m sure. One day…)

hair musings…

K | Saturday, 22nd January 2022

My hair, naturally, is hobbit-esque. (This is an actual picture of me as a baby!) It’s also long (though not as long as it used to be…yet!), which drags out the curl quiiiite a bit, so I looked into the Curly Girl Method, and I’m…a little baffled, to be quite honest. It goes on and on about having healthy curls, but…stressing my hair out with scrunch-drying and leave-in curl gels is the exact opposite of encouraging health — I’m sorry, but under no circumstances is “crunchy” a texture goal for hair! Also, apparently it puts a blanket ban on silicones, oils, and dyes. Now, silicones I can understand…to a point. A lot of people’s hair doesn’t like silicones, but some people’s hair LOVES them. Oils, too — my hair drinks up coconut oil and turns into a silken dream at the application of argan oil. And as far not dyeing…? Oh dear. To be completely honest with you, that was actually the breaking point for me ^^; But I can promise you from experience that it’s completely possible to have regularly dyed hair that’s ALSO incredibly healthy! I’ve been regularly dyeing my hair since I turned 14 or so, and dyeing has literally never been a cause of damage for me.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be so opposed to a method if you could bend it to fit your own hair’s needs, but apparently if you do that with the CGM, people get very, very perturbed. To the point where certain groups will kick you out of the group for so much as asking about shampoo! (Another thing you’re supposed to eschew under the CGM, in favour of a “co-wash”…which I know for a fact mats my own hair horrifically!) Which is…just weird. Nobody’s body acts exactly the same as anyone else’s, and that includes hair. Hair is as individualistic as fingerprints, I’ve found. What works for me may cause someone else’s locks to go into panic mode, and vice-versa. A method that doesn’t allow for alteration doesn’t seem very legitimate to me…and hair care is always, always, always trial and error. For everyone!

So, advice from an ex-Rapunzel? Discover what makes your hair happiest, and just do that! Don’t even mind if it doesn’t follow Method Y or Plan Z. The best way to encourage your hair to grow is to take care of it just the way it personally needs. Healthy hair grows longer quicker. That’s literally the secret!

don’t underestimate the beauty and power

K | Monday, 10th January 2022

“I feel so intensely the delights of shutting oneself up in a little world of one’s own, with pictures and music and everything beautiful.”
— Virginia Woolf

And speaking of pictures, I have a new Instagram account…I have no idea how long it will last (or if it will last at all, truth be told), but perhaps I should at least try communicating acceptably in this picture-book world…it can’t hurt, surely. (Famous last words…?)

categorise yourself…

K | Saturday, 8th January 2022

I found this on Tumblr somewhere, and it seemed interesting…

Four Temperaments: Sanguine| Melancholic | Choleric | Phlegmatic

Dark Triad: Psychopathy | Machiavellianism | Narcissism

Life Path Number:1| 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8| 9 | 11 | 22

Rosenberg Self Esteem Scale: 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14| 15 | 16| 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30

Brain Lateralization Test: Left | Right | Equal Hemispheres

ink and letters

K | Saturday, 1st January 2022

The New Year was very, very quiet — though that’s hardly a surprise, given my current life situation and the fact that the weather remains miserable; it’s very difficult to throw a party in the pouring rain! I watched the clock tick over, performed my usual rituals, and then it was just another day. Perhaps that’s a little sad, but at least it isn’t stressful. I do hope 2022 is a much better year — for everyone, everywhere — than its predecessor was, though…

I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions, largely because I find myself incredibly dispirited a fortnight after they inevitably fizzle into wishful thinking, but there are some things I would like to gently make a habit of this year, if I can. Practising my calligraphy is one of them, and a much-needed break from working on the computer. I have so many online projects that have deadlines (some self-imposed, admittedly!), and while I don’t want to put any of them on the backburner, it’s nice to simply look away from the monitor and indulge in having inkstained fingers for a little while.

eat, sleep, and eat…many souls

K | Thursday, 7th October 2021

…apparently it’s perfectly normal in addiction recovery to face, like…literally mind-numbing boredom. that’s…I mean, great to know and all, but ugh, really? when all my creative stuff is still in three million boxes and I’m in frequent pain to boot? it’s also really, really annoying to know that my addiction recovery from xanax is like…a forever thing. I’m always going to be in recovery, never recovered.

so! my extra moneys arrived today, and i got my paws on that Ken+Youji cel w/ background and a wonderfully kept copy of the WK tarot. worth every penny, and the fact that I’m buying it off ‘Yueki’ of Kuro Koneko, a site I spent literal hours on back in the day, will never not amuse me. this is on top of the ceramic container, metal bookmarks, and cute sticky note set that I bought on tuesday. I hope they get here soon, but lately, AusPost + USPS is like…a recipe in why even bother. soooo tempted to put my remain dosh towards the Youji and Omi+Youji cel I’ve been eyeing, but I might leave that ’til next payday, just in case.

oh yes, the wigs for my new customs arrived, and…they didn’t fit too well. smallish 1/3rds, I suppose. it was just a matter of unpicking the elastic around the back of the wig cap, but they’re still a little precariously placed on Pullip heads. suppose I’d better make one of those velcro wig-snap things…whenever my sewing box gets opened properly.

I need my goddamn studio back already. I’m actually going crazy. crazier. I’m literally so bored I think I’m going to bed. you can’t be asleep and bored!

…god knows my brain would give it a go, though. -_-;

heaven’s gonna burn our eyes

K | Tuesday, 5th October 2021

so today yesterday was Hot, like the bureau said it would be. (or whoever, I think BoM was saying 31…they were wrong, and Weatherzone was giving a more correct reading at the time due to having more stations on its network, or whatever?) 37 degrees C in spring and stop, it’s time to stop, okay?! where are your parents?! caravan’s aircon could barely handle it, there was DEFINITELY no relaxing afternoon smoking going on — not even in the shade — and WHY does hot weather bring all the creepy-crawlies out after dark?! we started getting Christmas beetles back in September, ffs, enough’s enough! (that’s like…getting June bugs in March, basically. I think they’re almost precisely the same type of beetle, anyway?)

…if I was at home in my studio I wouldn’t even care, but if I think about that, I’ll cry, and that will make the headache worse. so. let’s talk about something else. anything else.

I’m…getting bored a lot. that’s more to do with all my stuff that I usually entertain myself being stuffed in boxes in the shed/Mum’s sewing room than the depression, which is good, I guess, but it doesn’t move any of my stuff into here, and there wouldn’t be enough room anyway. also, I’ve discovered that I’m hopeless with cupboards…if I can’t see a thing, I forget I have it and thus forget it’s an option to like…look at/listen to/decorate stuff with, so on. shelves, baby. gimme shelves. with cute gauzy curtains I can pull across the front if I want things to look tidier.

I know I (we, really) have to exorcise All That Shit and logicalise it and put it into its right steel boxes so we can shove it away and just live happily again, but it sucks doing so. I suppose it’s something now that I can state outright and completely truthfully that I have no intention of becoming a ‘published’ writer and no regrets about that, whatever they would believe. I’m still a writer, still a poet. the money would be nice, sure, but…it’s not even worth that. which doesn’t mean I devalue writing, it means that writing is actually more important than money. and I’m fucking Scottish, man.

tiredness creeping back in, so methinks I’ll creep back into bed. not sure if anything’s happening today (apart from paying bills, hooray for payday…’cept not, gimme more money, bastards!) but maybe the wigs I ordered for my latest Pullip girls (ALL under $100?! for CUSTOMS?! the artist didn’t get enough credit!) will arrive? hopefully I’ll be awake in time to put the aircon on at the proper moment, but eh, if I don’t, what can you do.

not dead. probably.

K | Thursday, 19th November 2020

I’m alive. Just operating at a very low ebb, and I don’t know why. Chemicals, I guess, but what sets them off? What have or haven’t I done? Can’t work that one out to save myself. Weather changing? (It’s getting close to summer, after all.) Just regular exhaustion? Demonic possession?

eucatastrophe II

K | Sunday, 8th November 2020

TIL crying from relief is just as exhausting as crying from anything else. I’m gonna take the happiest nap.

No, things are not perfect now. But I’m looking forward to the good work we have to do to suck out this poison entirely. And hell yeah, we’ll do it. Hope is audacity, hope is rebellion, hope always wins.

I don’t know if I’ll pick up the white rose again. The next few months will be…fraught, to say the least. But I believe things will get better. If we work, we can heal.

Get on your boots!

Better times collide with now,
And better times are coming still.