I just wish I could be better.
I wish I could be human. I wish I could be loved. I wish I could be the most important to someone.
we were beautiful for one winter moment.
I never in my life wanted to be so full of regrets.
Will I ever be happy again?
make it hit different.
take my hand as they play our song again
I have watched as all my dreams went walking out the door
And I think I deserve just a little more
In front of total strangers, won’t you kiss me?
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh…I want to be in love
[private] for whenever I start to miss her:
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I map the words out, maybe you will say them
Vestamë.
One day, I will be someone’s first choice.
Until then, I will be my own, always.
[private] there are no holes in my recollections
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how much
dad’s in the hospital with a TIA and blocked right artery.
i don’t know what else to say that i haven’t said already, and i’ve lulled myself into a kind of semi-dissociative feel-nothing state, which possibly isn’t healthy, but feels less like the whole world is caving in on me, so i’m not going to force myself out of it by elaborating any further on a blog that nobody reads.
i just. i want to disappear. i want to turn into a star. i want to shine light and beauty onto everyone and everything but not have to interact with anyone to do it. i’m tired of the pain. the pain never stops. every moment is pain. and just when you think it’s let up, something else happens.
i can’t take it anymore. i am not large or strong enough to hold all this.
I had a very bad dream…like a reservoir in a summer drought.