a hymn at the world’s end

years go by will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?
years go by if I’m stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head
one more casualty you know it’s too easy easy easy

but what if I’m a mermaid in these jeans of yours
with her name still on them
but I don’t care, ’cause sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice and it’s been

here

silent all these years

 

stumbling on the razor’s edge

my mental health has, amusingly, gotten worse since the hiatus, so I give up. if you read this blog, there’s going to be discussion about sad stuff and venting about nonsense that doesn’t really matter at the end of the day, because I am trapped in a highly toxic, borderline abusive living situation, and there is literally no way out. my mind is imploding and my body is decaying. this blog is going to be garbage whining. don’t read it.

in other news…meds should be free. also, Trump is a muhfuhin’ weird fascist racist shitehawk, but that’s redundant.

yesterday I rescued a tiny possum baby that was being attacked by a crow. poor little thing’s tail was torn up and bloody, but otherwise, she seemed very healthy — bright eyed, alert, not too amused about having to be temporarily in a box while we transported her to the local vet (they take in injured wildlife for free, and send them up to Australia Zoo to rehab). once she’s all healed up, she’ll be released back into this area — possibly back on our property? not sure, but they want her back in her original home when she’s better, which I love. maybe one day I’ll see her again and know her by her tail scars. that would be so cute.

I was a little worried the vet would tell us “uh, no, we don’t do wildlife” or ask for money (I literally have none — it’s only through the generosity of my chosen family that I can afford my effing meds), but I was determined to just bite the bullet, Google my ass off, and look after the little one myself, if so. no questions asked.

she was so tiny and adorable. I cannot stand human babies, and the whole “come over for newborn cuddles!” thing just strikes me as infinitely boring, but baby animals? I turn into a complete and utter mama bear and I will protect this little thing with my entire life. while I had that little one cuddled up to my chest and curled up in my hand, I could have taken on a whole pack of lions. it’s such a weird rush of feeling — dopamine and adrenaline, maybe? oxytocin? unsure.

but yeah. that’s about the only worthy thing that happened over the hiatus that I’m allowed to talk about publicly. everything else is…not happy. have a nice dragon as an apology. also the Manics’ new single, because Nicky Wire is, and forever will be, my ideal man.

ashamed

I hate doing this, but I don’t have any other option…again. I’m lacking rent, I’m disabled, sick, depressed, and I need help. Only if you can afford it, PLEASE do not donate if you can’t.

I love you, and thank you, and I’m sorry.

I’m just…so incredibly sick of this, and I can’t get out of this goddamn pit.

the pride of Brisbane town

I know, I know, football.  We do not speak about football else we are a bogan, but humour me for now.

It’s been twenty-one incredibly long fucking years since I’ve felt this, and as I’m always saying — I’m Fitzroy by blood. Jack Murphy was a ‘Roy boy, and his granddaughter is, was, and always will be a Lion. The joke in our family is that the Fitzroy Lions moved to Brisbane the same year we did, so it was practically a done deal that I’d barrack for the Lions, even if Dad’s first two kids were Magpies.

This is such a stupid thing to get emotional about, but it feels fantastic. And damn me if AFL isn’t just a fun game to watch (it’s been described as a cross between Gaelic football and a pub brawl — how could you not be entertained by that!), even if your team isn’t playing. I take my happinesses where I find ’em, as they are.

one of these things is not the other

TIL that there are people who don’t know the difference between ‘mandatory’ and ‘medically mandated’, and I’m not sure if I want to end game in Minecraft or just wait around until infection or the like takes those dumbasses out.

I also learned that any username that mentions dreaming awake immediately makes me think “ugh, it’s fucking Kurt Draven”.

why not.

I’m still alive. hi!

1. Who, at this very moment would you like to have next to you?
not telling, but I’d like to have them brush my hair gently and tell me I’m not going to get sick from this headache.

2. What, at this very moment do you have an intense craving to eat?
nothing at all…I feel quite nauseous at this very moment.

3. What’s the last TV show you watched?
The Rings of Power.

4. What’s your favourite restaurant?
probably Sushi Yuri on King.

5. What’s your favourite sexual position?
asleep.

6. What do you absolutely hate?
my endless naïvety…or maybe it’s outright stupidity, I’m not sure anymore. also caravan life and rain splattering on a caravan roof.

7. What turns you on?
nothing, at the moment. which is good, because three days ago it was ‘everything’. can we make it illegal for meds to screw with a libido, especially if you’re not wholly sure you even want one to begin with?

8. What’s your favourite lunch?
avocado sushi.

9. Philosophy?
do no harm, take no shit, wei wu wei, mind your own damn business.

10. Favourite breakfast?
McDonald’s, so bite me.

11. Favourite cartoon?
currently or of all time? currently, Noir. of all time, Sailor Moon. eat me.

12. Favourite playground equipment?.
swings. also I’m changing all the “favorite”s in this to “favourite” because we speak the King’s English on this blog. or pretend to.

13. Favourite jewellery to wear:
my pink rabbit friendship bracelet. Buffy has a complimentary one in blue.

14. Favourite inside joke:
“That’s a BLACK WIDOW, Cooper!” so it’s not really an inside joke, more an…inside giggle? but it’s inside so I’m not elaborating further. so there. 😛

15. Favourite Disney Movie:
Frozen.

16. Have you ever won a contest?
I mean, like…essay contents and colouring contests, during school?

17. Would you rather be deaf or blind?
blind.

18. What is your best quality?
…I’m creative? sort of. eh.

19. What is your worst quality?
stand-offish and hold onto grudges.

20. Do you like to dance?
yes! I’m not good at it anymore, but I still love it.

21. If you had a round trip ride in a Time Machine, when and where would you go?
twenty years back, so I could tell younger me not to make so many dumb decisions?

22. If you could be invisible for one day what would you do?
go into the city and see whatever’s on at QPAC for free.

23. If you could change your name what would it be?
i like my real name. if you mean my legal name, then to my real name, but that’s pricey and so incredibly red-tape-filled.

24. Have you ever thought you were going to die?
several times. I didn’t! (did you guess?)

25. One thing you hope to do before you die?
tell them the truth.

26. What do you think about lesbians?
usually that they’re hot?

27. If you could smack one famous person in the head who would it be?
Fascist Fanta. Or that bitch from Georgia.

28. What is your deepest darkest secret?
well, I could tell you, but then it would no longer be a secret. and I would be in miles of shit.

29. Who understands you more than anyone?
Neechan, Buffy, Fluff, E, AJS, Alex.

30. What’s a smell you can’t stand?
as in, one that other people find okay? probably coconut.

31. What tangible thing do you *NEED* next in your life?
a giant suitcase filled with a large amount of whatever currency is appropriate for whatever world/country I reincarnate in.

32. What was the worst thing you ever saw?
that horrific video from…was it Poland? of the man shooting his ex’s boyfriend, and then himself, in front of her.

33. Least favourite relative:
I don’t actually know any of them enough to really have a least favourite.

34. Something that most people don’t know about you?
there’s probably a million things I’ve forgotten about doing in the past…

35. What was the worst thing you ever did?
…yeah.

36. Whats your favourite quote or phrase?
“hate has shaped the world, but love will save it.”

37. What room is your computer in?
the same room as everything else -_-

38. What did you have for dinner last night?
i…can’t remember. apples, I think?

39. Favourite time waster:
cutesy mobile games. Tsuki Odyssey is the big one rn.

40. If you could’ve been born in anytime era what would it be?
Heian era in Japan. I’d fit in to the nobility like a glove.

41. Ever been skinny dipping?
a couple of times. it wasn’t a sexual thing, it was a “fuck, summer is hot” thing.

42. Favourite video/movie:
Der Himmel über Berlin.

PS: I think I rock red eyeshadow.

Me: Spends an hour+ on a semi-Heian-esque modern makeup look. (I’m not doing the thumbprint eyebrows, sorrow — I went with a geiko-esque gradient instead.)
Someone: “I don’t like red eyeshadow!”
Me: “…well, that’s great, these are my eyes, not your eyes.”
Someone: “Yeah, I know, but–”

Here is where I wish I was the reincarnation of Shounagon-oneesama, not Murasaki Shikibu. She would’ve had something witty, cutting, and above all very charming to say. Murasaki would just internalise it stiffly and silently and then write about it in her diary later.

…as you’d have it.

Sigh.

I have many things I would like to say but always think the better of it, because there would be no point in explaining to people who would never understand. I cannot be bothered to discuss matters in front of those women who continually carp and are so full of themselves: it would only cause trouble. It is so rare to find someone of true understanding; for the most part they judge purely by their own standards and ignore everyone else.
So all they see of me is a façade. There are times when I am forced to sit with them and on such occasions I simply ignore their petty criticisms, not because I am particularly shy but because I consider it pointless. As a result, they now look upon me as a dullard.
‘Well, we never expected this!’ they all say. ‘No one liked her. They all said she was pretentious, awkward, difficult to approach, prickly, too fond of her tales, haughty, prone to versifying, disdainful, cantankerous and scornful; but when you meet her, she is strangely meek, a completely different person altogether!’
How embarrassing! Do they really look upon me as such a dull thing, I wonder? But I am what I am. Her Majesty has also remarked more than once that she had thought I was not the kind of person with whom she could ever relax, but that I have now become closer to her than any of the others. I am so perverse and standoffish. If only I can avoid putting off those for whom I have a genuine regard.

— かおりこお姉さま

BASED.

🅦🅞🅡🅓🄸🄿🄻🅈 #563
🌟 Length Score: 100%
💫 Rare long word found!
🚀 Letter Score: 66
🔗 Play Wordiply: https://www.wordiply.com
🎬 Today’s starter: 🄱🄸🅃

🅦🅞🅡🅓🄸🄿🄻🅈 #564
🌟 Length Score: 100%
💫 Rare long word found!
🚀 Letter Score: 65
🔗 Play Wordiply: https://www.wordiply.com
🎬 Today’s starter: 🅂🄾🄼🄰

If I can’t do anything else anymore, at least I still have a decent enough vocabulary! Ha ha…

well…I’m back.

I guess it would probably be better to keep writing, because…because? Proof of…something? So I don’t forget anything vital? I’m not sure.