think of it as a world without end

I finished “The Fairy Tale Museum” by Susannah M. Smith, and I have no words for it. As I said on the bird hellsite, that wasn’t a book, that was an experience. I can’t explain it to anyone; you’ll have to experience it for yourself. So have some words from it, instead, to tempt you to do so:

“What are you doing, little fox?
With a sideways glance and a flick of its tail, the fox might answer, I am in the thicket, now and always. I am the jewel in the obscurity.”

“People say it’s about the journey, not the destination. Dialectical thinking has its limitations.”

“Same moon. Different birds. How is it that libraries are so beautiful? The square at night. Narrow streets behind the cathedral. Books in different languages. You get lost. You find your way.”

“I felt the whispers of thousands of stories pushing up against me.”

“Things are not as you have been taught.
What you thought was blood was a metaphor for vital energy.
What you thought was scary was simply important.
What felt haunting only wanted you to be present.
Your instincts have brought you here.
Nothing is broken that cannot be repaired.
Remember who you are.”

“I don’t want to live without the sparklers, the brightness. Without that feeling of lying flat on the ground, pressed down with barely any blood or breathing and barely even any bones. What good is living without that? Only TV and TV and TV.”

“She can feel the future with all its colours.”

“Use your imagination. Wear your crown on the inside.”

“As if there had never been any reason for unhappiness.
As if all you had to do was believe in what you wanted
and it would happen.”

“Is the castle off in the distance,
or is it just behind your sternum?”

“When I’m awake during the night I use whatever scrap of paper is nearby. I write words, scribble, and jot. I burn holes. I take whatever comes. I trust my unconscious. There are always coloured pencils and pens and boxes of matches in the cupboard beside my bed. I am never without my supplies.”

“Is surrealism unfashionable? Is psychological inquiry embarrassing? I don’t care. I don’t pay attention to trends. I do exactly as I please.”

“He sees the bushes at the edge of the field and senses the blue fox in the underbrush. Its silken body glitters with jewels, hidden at the edge of the park.”

“A voice in his head tells him: You’re building a city. Each poem is a spire. The spires cluster together. Soon bells will ring. He smiles. Knowing that the blue fox is out there winking in the dark brings him happiness.”

“…all those damn rock stars with their dreamy poet eyes and tattoos.”

“Sometimes when you live by yourself, you need a bit of company; you need to make something out of nothing to know you exist.”

“Listen here. Yes, you. Don’t sleep with a clock radio beside your bed. It isn’t good for your electrical field. Same goes for the cellphone. You may scoff, but I still dream my own dreams. Do you?”

“A diamond. His heart was that hard. And yet, it shines in him. He can feel it.”

“If a star shines in the forest and no one is there to see it, is there any coruscation?”

“She was everything good about me that I hadn’t yet become.”

“She drew lingering looks from men and women she passed in the streets. She was like that. A rare thing from another world.”

“I’m almost who I want to be.”

“You’d been let go for dreaminess and are out on a mid-afternoon lark. Sometimes a person’s got to put the stars back in her eyes.”

“You stand in the doorway on the edge of the night. The edge of your excursion. You wait until the pathway is deserted and then, with a sudden decisive movement, you turn up your collar and move forward into the glow.”

“This is where everything happens. This is where worlds unfold. You settle in, turn your face to the screen, and close your eyes.”

“I’ve held you in my mind as I’ve skated through multitudes, as I’ve gathered all these specimens and turned them slowly in the light.”

 

come, tame me…

An old entry, from an abandoned journal, but it applies right now, right now, right now:

the heat of the day and the loneliness reminds me of my Malice Mizer days, my gothic lolita days, my Tokyo Babylon days…a horrifically beautiful little bubble of a world I grew around myself, how my love for “her” swelled and overflowed, even though I knew she would never feel anything at all for me, whirling in black and lace and heeled mary-janes, an adopted city, a bright light, all that hope…

god, there is no drug worse than hope. none. once you get a taste for that shit, you’re gone. you need it all the time. gimme that dopamine rush, baby. show me a future. show me a tomorrow.

I yearn so much for that feeling. that, and connection. knowing I am beloved to someone. making sure that they know how beloved they are to me. not necessarily romantic, but love. love love LOVE. swelling with love like an overripe strawberry. tender and ferocious. snarling little foxling. always snarling. always wanting, wanting, wanting…

what to do with all this love locked inside a heart bordered with scar tissue and memories?

“But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world…”

in which we thank all the Powers in the world for the word ‘queer’

It amuses me to no end when men try to be passive-aggressive in order to get me to do something. Mostly because nothing makes me more likely to shut down completely faster.

And I’ll be honest; that fact does amuse me. Keep trying, little boy. You think I’ll lower myself to spar with you? Like I don’t have anything better to waste my time on.

Maybe I’m not as Seelie as I’d like the world to believe. Probably not. I’m probably just outright evil and desperately attempting to swallow it out of some internalised shame, or something.

Not right now, though. Right now I feel…nothing. I feel like I’m speeding and floating at the same time. Unhinged. A little feral. A snarling fox. A black hole for a heart. Sucking up all the light I find because I can’t make my own.

Maybe my ex was right all along; maybe I am a dead star.
Or maybe I’m a new kind of light altogether, and only some people can see it. Or want to.

Also, I’m not going to define myself using any other label than “queer” from now on. Not because I’m confused — I’m not. I’m physically attracted to men, but never romantically or sexually (not if they’re not fictional). I’m romantically, physically, and sexually attracted to women. Trans women, cis women, just women. It’s how I’m wired and I’ve known it for a long time, but the world and its insistence on labels just complicates something that is, at the end of the day, very simple.

My Estel will be a woman, or at the very least, not a cis man.
That’s all there is to say about that.

not tragedies

let there be coffee
and someone who wants to kiss me for hours
and will play endlessly with my hair
and won’t mind that I am silent quiet slipaway shy quicksilvery fey
and badly damaged
someone who can see past the smokescreen of okayness
who will not expect me to save them (I am flat-out saving myself)
where are the sparks
where are the fireworks (even one would suffice)
where oh where did the needle in the haystack vanish to
an ocean of fiftythousand
everyone exists except that one sliver of silver
of summerchance
and if I can’t find you;
then you probably don’t exist.

give me wings, city lights, bright things

Breathing in carefully, listening to songs that made my heart sing…during the year that was. And wasn’t.

Ten years ago, now. My body was mine, then it wasn’t, then it was filthy. Chasing cherry-blossom coloured illusions; no one told me that sakura contained cyanide. I found home, but I was locked in a tower again. The key to the door was so very complicated, and the gaolers…

Ah, who really knows. So many thoughts. All of them a mess, because of the headache (72 hrs and counting). Going back, grasping things, becoming a person. But I’m…I’m not afraid, not really. More apprehensive. Is it because I temporarily have to take room in the tower once again? Who knows, who knows.

I don’t know.

Maybe I don’t even know what I’m talking about, right now.

(What kind of introvert sickens when she’s been away from people for too long?)

Song of the Day for the 5th: “Heaven or Las Vegas”, Cocteau Twins

Song of the Day for the 6th: “American Dreaming”, Dead Can Dance

so I can wear honesty like a crown on my head
when I walk into the promised land
(don’t fade away, my brown-eyed girl)

But when I walk out of the tower again, the world is mine. I’m not letting anything less than Death itself tear it from my hands this time around.