aw, but she’s the most KAWAII little sociopath

| Sunday, 25th June 2023

 

The point of [Suzumiya Haruhi’s] character is to represent a girl struggling with being bipolar. On the outside, she acts loud and bombastic, but she’s really just scared of losing what she has, and struggles with finding people that make her feel whole.Β 

THAT πŸ‘πŸ» IS πŸ‘πŸ» NOT πŸ‘πŸ» WHAT πŸ‘πŸ» BIPOLAR πŸ‘πŸ» IS πŸ‘πŸ» YOU πŸ‘πŸ» MENTAL πŸ‘πŸ» MIDGET πŸ‘πŸ»
READ πŸ‘πŸ» YOU πŸ‘πŸ» A πŸ‘πŸ» FUCKING πŸ‘πŸ» BOOK πŸ‘πŸ» ALREADY πŸ‘πŸ»

Also, Haruhi is an obnoxious little sociopath who probably should have been told “no” more often when she was a child. jus sayin

a murmuration of starlings

| Friday, 23rd June 2023

I am…I am very, very tired, and very defeated, and I don’t want to fight anything anymore. My mother’s broken, my father’s broken, my brothers are selfish, I’m a disappointment to everyone, and I…am very tired. I just would like my mind to break, to set me free of this. I don’t mind madness; it lets you be fooled that everything can continue as it is and the car you’re in isn’t heading straightforward into a concrete pillar at 200km/h. When impact occurs, if your mind is already broken, you don’t even feel it.

Hope really is a fine killing thing. AΒ slow, fine killing thing.

Literally the only thing that might fix all this is a lotto win. It all comes down to money. Even health can be bought with enough money. It’s vile to the extreme.
Unfortunately, none of us have any.

I’m too tired to be disgusted by that fact. I’m just too tired for anything. Golden hour passed like a dream and the sun has gone.

At least I had the dream, I suppose.

しゃあγͺいやろ

| Thursday, 8th June 2023

weird kinda day. had to head off the doctors’ to get some ‘script repeats, and none of them bulk bill anymore, which is…$70 for repeats? um. no. i’ll either find a dr who bulk bills in another surgery, or i’ll…just not have meds, i guess, and then they can deal with me at the local hospital’s empdep. this system is absolutely and completely fucked up beyond belief.

it was almost a “girls’ day out”, just me and my mother, like we used to do back before the world ended and my brother became her favourite child. idek. i can’t help but be incredibly bitter about that. we got the car washed, got maccas…nothing burgers (literally, they gave me spicy nuggies [which aren’t that spicy if i can eat them…did make my mouth/tongue swell, though] instead of my ordered burger XD), but things that were like…normal as hell two years ago. now, it’s just…what it is now.

everything’s wrong.

even talking about the DV sitch and my ongoing trauma-based reactions to the perp (still can’t look them in the face without dissociating) somehow turned into oh boohoo poor Saint My Brother andΒ his PTSD.

just…what? i’d be pissed off but it requires more energy than i have at the moment. at the moment i’m just sad. at least that’s easy.

arrivals: my stevie nicks sticker (now on my phone!), sailor moon supers colouring book (you bet i’m gonna scan it in) and my three pride flags (rainbow/bi/trans). which are currently hung up outside in an attempt to straighten them out, as you’d have it. only in pride month, baby. XD

in other news…stardew valley keeps stuttering. fuck. i’m not the only person it does this to, but none of the prescribed solutions to it seem to help at all. oh well. can’t be helped, i guess.

missing

| Saturday, 29th April 2023

Still enduring a drought of words. Well, no, not exactly, the words are here…in my head. Getting them into digital form or onto paper is the problem. There have been countless entries I’ve tried to write since the 11th, they just…fizzled out like wet fireworks. Who knows if I’ll even get this entry posted?

People keep saying to me “be patient and wait, this will all pass,” but the problem is, I don’t think it’s going to, and I don’t want to be the dumb bunny that just stands there like a stunned mullet when in the future they tsk-tsk and shake their heads and blame me for sitting around and waiting and being patient when it doesn’t. Waiting is boring and the system is teetering on the edge of shutdown mode.

I can’t remember what inspiration used to feel like.

nowhere man

| Tuesday, 11th April 2023

You ever have those moments when you just stop and think, “wait, why the hell am I here?”

You ever have one of those moments stretch into months and months at a time?

Yeah.

I’m trying to journal more often, but it’s hard when nothing’s happening and inspiration is dried up. It’s like trying to get blood from a stone, or water from the moon. The words turn brittle and crumble to dust, whether they’re on the tip of my tongue or my fingers. The world has become too huge and too tiny all at once. I wish I could make friends, I wish…I just wish, wish, wish.

I don’t like this timeline and I don’t know how or why I slipped into it.

I may not be, but you

| Wednesday, 25th January 2023

if you’re in an environment that constantly makes you wonder if you’re good enough, get the fuck out of it before you startΒ believingΒ it for real. because once that happens, you’re lost. just run.

you are good enough.
someday someone is gonna look at what you do and it will change their whole world.

youΒ are good enough.

lost child stumbles in the dark

| Friday, 30th October 2020

yes, indeed, new address, same blog, so on so forth. why? reasons.Β good reasons? heaven knows. what’s good and bad anymore, in 2020?

I really wish I could write a lifestyle blog that was…I don’t know, picture perfect and I had a face that leant itself to photography and I had endless amounts of energy to live an Instagram life, but I don’t. I am tired. I’mΒ exhausted, constantly, which no, probably isΒ not medically safe, but welcome to life with mental illness: any and every physical illness you have is blamed on that. I wish I was kidding.

“oh, you’re excessively tired? it’s because of the schizophrenia.”

no. I am excessively it-hurts-to-even-sit-up tiredΒ and I have schizophrenia. why is that so hard to grasp? if I fall down the stairs and break my ankle, will you sayΒ that was because of the schizophrenia, too? so I might as well just wait for it to heal without any help?

but, as the song goes…
so you’re a doctor, and I am just a crazy little girl (who will you believe?)

I want to write strong and poetic and inspiration-porn-esque things about being brainsick, but I can barely keep my mind in a straight line long enough to say anything. and then, really, there’s nothing to say. nothingΒ worth saying, really. “I woke up and within an hour I crept back into bed, because it was physically painful to sit at my desk. repeat.”

I could lie on all fronts, I suppose, but…what’s even the point, if none of it’s true? why not just write a novel instead?

to create is my only outlet, anymore. I don’t have a life outside this, since the disease took almost everything I loved from me. my life. I have to rebuild totally.

so I will sweep myself up in fandom, in sewing, in coding, in Middle-earth, in dolls, in magic, in poetry, and in my own vanity and lunacy. I will lose myself in a crystal ball of a closed world, tiny and worth nothing to anyone else except me. fault me if you will; but really, what else would you have me do? wait aware of the rot? if I must rot, then I will do it with my mind in a million other elsewheres, and I maintain this is escape, and thus sanity. and then, perchance…I might not rot at all.

“I will make everything around me beautiful. That will be my life.”
and it will be beautiful by my standards. my life will be art on my own terms.

steady as she goes

| Tuesday, 29th October 2019

If “queer time” is a thing (and yes, yes, it is), then I think “survivor time” is also a thing. Survivors of abuse experience time completely differently from a person who hasn’t been through it.

If you combine my queer time with my survivor time, then…I mean, it makes absolute sense that I feel lost in time, pretty much all the time.