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[private] it hurts to exist.
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[private] I see seven towers, I only see one way out
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send me 100 bitcoin
I’m
only
happy
when
I’m
high
[private] can’t sleep, or people die
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perspective
“She’s found a family that understands her at a time of experiencing a relentless depression and loneliness, and that, like any illness, could very well have meant the end of [her], had she not found a tribe willing to take her in. Would she even really survive, returning to modern civilisation? Her fate very well may have ended the same as her sister, in that case, taking her own life as a result of this depression. At least with the Hårga, Dani experiences some actual happiness. Even if she’s chosen at random to be sacrificed for some stupid ritual only a week after the movie ends, we could still argue that even the briefest experience of pure happiness is a better fate than returning to where you don’t belong, to further deteriorate in isolation. She may have withered away and died in darkness, without ever having known the light of life.”
— “Why The Midsommar Discourse Misses the Point”, Terror Formed
oh yeah, happy valentine’s and that.
it’s been a really rough few days, and frankly i’m surprised i’m not in hospital, but probably grateful as well. my living situation is still completely intolerable and i’m still lost in little dreams of winning even just a couple of grand — enough for a bond — and getting the hell out of here before i end game forever. it’s not a matter of if, anymore, it’s only a matter of when.
when will i live in an actual house. when will i die. which will come first. who knows. i don’t.
as i said before, i’m tired and i’m sad. i’m also bored, stir-crazy, full of hate, this close to screaming, and wishing i could be put into a voluntary medical coma until things get better. i’m fwcking tired of the pain. it’s not even producing any good words.
ganked someone’s DSi from mum (who wasn’t using it; i’m a bitch but i’m not THAT much of a bitch) and am now playing final fantasy 4. we’ve just gotten the sand pearl thingy from the antlion. i kind of love cecil, rydia is amazing, tellah’s hilarious (and also currently gone mad with grief and not with us), and edward is a wet hen on top of being a spoony bard. oh well, we can’t all be the figaro twins, i guess.
it’s nothing personal, babe
there’s always a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when i have to reject someone for the aromatic clique lately. it’s like, okay, prepare for the argument about why $X_PERSON should be the only exception to the rules about accessibility and why they can read their site so surely everyone else has no trouble with it and just…i wanna hide. it’s not a personal thing. the rules are the rules and i can’t make exceptions for one person. it doesn’t mean i hate you or think you’re shit or whatever, i’m just sick of fucking squinting at my gigantic screen and i cannot be the only person. god help me if i was on laptop or mobile.
i just don’t wanna argue with anyone. i’m tired and i’m sad.
anyway i’m in a really bad way and won’t be surprised if i end up in the hospital tomorrow, but illness does this sometimes. i’m half-tempted to pack a bag tonight and that’ll take some of the stress off for tomorrow…but i’m exhausted at the moment so moving is difficult. (i just used up any energy i had trying to get a moth out of the room. partially worked.)
i think i’ll just return to ff6 and dragons of autumn twilight on audiobook for the time being. (i’m doing boring lore-finding for strago on the veldt; i don’t need the soundtrack for that lest i end up loathing the veldt theme forever.)
caps are for people who aren’t so exhausted they’d happily curl up on the nearest flat surface on any plane of existence if they were promised they’d get a solid 36 hours of sleep out of it.
“Your words are poison.”
“Anyways, bi-polar is not a ‘mental disorder’, in a sense. Medicine can fix it, all it does is cause a chemical imbalance, and that causes you to have mood swings. That does’nt mean she is more likely to do anything drastic, as long as she is taking medication for it.”
There are still some things I am so, so angry about. There are still some things that make me sick to my stomach, that kick my trauma response into full wakefulness, that make me want to vomit all over my keyboard. There are still scars from where I was trying to let out the fear and pain without making a sound…and was then mocked for it.
There is still so much to fucking hate.
It’s why my hair-trigger response now is instant white-ice silence when I sense some shit’s going on behind the scenes. (Or when I know, nevermind sense.) I am not going back to that place, I am not letting that poison into my life again, and you can try to inject it into it for as long as you like, babes, but I am not here for it and I am not going to put up with it. Nobody gets away with garbage, this time. I am never going to be an online punching bag for a group of cliquey, nasty Mean Girls ever again, and I am not going to interact with anyone who has anything to do with people who continue to indulge in this behaviour, whether that’s on Twitter or the TFL boards or goddamn anywhere.
Because you know that thing that adults tell you? “Don’t worry, after high school all the catty, petty behaviour will stop, you’ll see”? Yeah, that is a fucking lie. It doesn’t. People just become older, that’s literally all.
You are worth so much more than they say you are.
Nothing was ever meant to be mine
Oh, every day and every night
Persistin’ pain and the criminal mind
Nights the beating of my heart kept me up
The mournful crescent moon hung beyond the window
I do wish me a lovely night…
Where’s my end finally gonna be?
Everything’s so exhausting, from A to Z
When’s this wretched mask finally gonna come off?
Yeah, me no hero, me no villain
I’m barely anything
Idling repeats, memories turning vicious
Lying in a field, I set my sights on the skies
Now, I can’t remember what I wanted so badly
I trusted I was happy, now a mere memory